Something inside of me is dying, crying, reaching for something – anything to pull me out of this. I feel empty, baseless, like a wasted shell. And no matter how much I know I need to get myself away from this mentality, I just can’t seem to escape it. I feel like I’ve walked back into a forbidden territory, one where I don’t belong, one where I die if I enter again.
The above was written this morning at work, where I can not log into livejournal. Obviously my mood yesterday had only grown worse and it wasn’t the rain or my writing bothering me, it was just me. I was a bit over dramatic about it this morning though, which I guess was a nice wake up call.
Musically today – the song below was the first thing that came to mind when I woke up. I haven’t listened to this song or genre of music for a while now. It was part of my past, when I wasn’t right in the head. I listened to my 40+ albums worth of Psychopathic Records music all day after this one – although I’m not sure if it was such a good idea. I thought some songs like “Serial Killa” and “Gimme that Blood” would be good mood setting songs for reading Dexter, but there are too many songs like the one below or the death letter style of “I’m Alright” and I think it may have only made my dismal perception of myself worse.
Twiztid – Wrong with Me (There’s no real video, just the song, but they’ve also provided the lyrics)
Anyway, I’m a little numb now which is actually good (I think). Finally capable of ending my own pity party, I’ve been trying to give deeper thought into what exactly is making me feel this way because I MUST get out of this. I will not accept regression. So the following seem to be the things that are most prominent in my mind (they are in no particular order).
1. I Hate Change – There’s a lot of change either going on around me or that needs to be happening, but I live by routine – I don’t like to vary from the pattern.
2. OCD is no longer my Friend – OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) has always worked for me even though it’s terrible for some people. It made me overly organized and neat. It set high expectations for myself and compelled me to meet them. It may have made me bitchy at times, but overall having it was a good thing for me. Now I’m not so sure. Those organized tendencies escape me now and it makes me waste time doing things like reading and re-reading and re-re-reading, etc… every little thing I write. I’m positive this is playing a huge role in why it’s taking me so long.
3. Schedules – I need to schedule time to write, time to work out, time to read, time to work on my websites (which I’ve completely neglected), time to sleep longer than 5 hours a night – I need to set a schedule and stick to it. Go back to the ways of living by a planner and get myself organized again.
Other things like getting older and my weight loss are also gnawing at my mind, but I know they’re irrational worries. I’m really not that old and I’ve got to stop thinking like my life is going to be over in 2 years or something. And I’m already working on the weight thing and the revised schedule should make it go faster.
So in conclusion I’m not better, but I know I will be. I’m done egging on the negativity. I’ve decided to face the changes and get over myself already. This is ridiculous at this point. I don’t wallow like this, not anymore at least.
Shoving my face into some books for a little bit to clear out all the ugly, to paint me a pretty picture (or maybe not so pretty reading Dexter?), and to let someone else’s words fill my thoughts.
Peace – Sarah