Things have been grim since Heath’s dad passed away. I’ve seen him cry more than I even thought he was capable of and his pain resonates loudly in my soul. I want to take it all away, but there just isn’t really anything I can do outside of just being there for him. I am grateful that God has given me a heart big enough for the both of us, because it’s been every bit of necessary. People say time heals the wounds, and I know they’re right, but time, or lack thereof, is what upsets him most. There is no more time with his dad. You can’t get back all the time you regret not spending with him now. And experiencing this has changed something in Heath, for the better.
We’ll celebrate our 11th year together this summer, 7 of which we’ll have been engaged. I think we’d both just sort of already felt married and so actually making it legal didn’t seem all that pressing to us. But it did to our families, particularly Heath’s dad. He was always asking when it was going to finally happen and we’d shrugged it off too many times. He’d also asked about grandkids time and time again and it always left Heath and I in a bad place because I’ve always wanted kids, three to be exact, but Heath didn’t. I’ve imagined myself a mother since I was just a little girl and watching my sister’s kids grow into these perfect tiny humans only makes me want my own even more. Ever since I turned 30, I’ve worried about running out of time to have kids. Women have that biological clock and all and mine’s ticking fast. And so I’ve been praying for years now, for God to let me know if my future really didn’t include kids. That my purpose in this life wasn’t to also be a mother. And all this time I’ve grown more and more frustrated over not hearing or feeling His answer. Never confident in what that meant for mine and Heath’s future. But I know now that God was answering me all along and his answer was: Patience. A lesson I seem to constantly be learning.
On the way home from Heath’s father’s viewing, we talked about how hard it was to watch his dad die the way we did, but that we were glad we were all there for him, that he didn’t die alone. And I admitted that it’s one of my biggest fears, dying alone. I’m not afraid to die, I know heaven is far better than this life, but I want to be surrounded by love when I’m heading out. It was still a few more days before the conversation I wanted to have would take place, but the entire time I just kept thinking: Neither of our parents are all that healthy and the likelihood of them outliving us is slim, which means when we’re on our deathbeds, we’ll be all we have and once one of us is gone, the other dies alone. Heath must have been thinking the same thing because a few days later, he changed his mind about having kids without any provoking at all. He realized how important family was to him and decided he doesn’t want his family to end with him.
Despite all the sadness I’ve felt over losing his dad, my heart feels so hopeful again. And I just know he’s in heaven right now, proud of his son for changing his mind, even if it took him passing for him to realize what his dad had been telling him all along.
Heath’s conditions were that we have a house before we try and that works out well since we were already trying to get our bills in order so that we could be buying a house by the start of 2016. That plan is still in place and baby making can start once we’ve reached that place, but in the meantime, we figure, we should probably go ahead and get married finally. So, on November 7th, I’ll officially be Sarah Harris and I’m more excited about it than I thought I would be. Being with someone for 10+ years means the lust of new love has worn off, and quality friendship has sunken in. But I feel in-love with him all over again and it’s exhilarating. We’ll still be mourning his father, for a long time to come, but we’ll have these beautiful distractions from keeping us stuck there in darkness, and I just know we’re making his father happy right now.
God works in the most mysterious ways. 😉
P.S. If you’re curious about what my wedding might look like, I’m plotting it HERE!