Writing, dreams, yadda yadda yadda…

New desk makes me work. I love it. I’ve been really focused writing wise lately and it feels good to finally be getting stuff accomplished again.

In relation to writing this week:

– I asked Heath to act out a romantic scene with me for my book to make sure the way I wrote it was natural. Somehow he turned it into a comedy. He whacked me in the head in a Heisman pose, walked towards me like a thug player, and knocked me over once he reached me. It just didn’t work; he couldn’t be serious enough to do it the right way. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

– I told my mom that I was thinking about killing off one of my characters. She lost it when I told her it was the dog. She said, “I won’t read the rest of your book Sarah if you kill that dog!” Every other thing I brought up about my book after that she interrupted me to further illustrate how much she didn’t want the dog to die. “I’m serious Sarah, don’t kill Déjà.” She’s too funny.

And then semi book related:

I woke up this morning from a creepy dream – mainly because of how real it felt. I had to write it down as soon as I got up.


It was early summer when I found out I wouldn’t live past Christmas. They said, “The cancer is out of control Miss. I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do for you.” They handed me a stack of informational packets, a series of medications to make my last days “enjoyable”, and sent me on my way.

When I exited the hospital I just stood there on the sidewalk stunned. The sun blinding my eyes, my arms rendered useless with all of the crap in my hands, and feeling oddly glad that I was alone right now.

Cancer, really? I’m not sure why I was so surprised, several family members on both sides have fallen victim to cancer. But the difference was – they were sick and got better. I wasn’t even sick, but I was going to die. I had simply went to the doctor for a routine check up only to find out my body is riddled with death and my days are numbered. I’m only 28 and generally healthy, how freaking unfair is that?

Suddenly my knees hit the hot concrete; the junk in my hands fell into a pile around me. I stared stupidly at a pill bottle escaping the mess, finally stretching for it when it was almost too far to reach. People passed me by, no one offering to help me up. I didn’t really care, or notice them truthfully; I was trying to swallow the knot in my throat.

I’m going to die. My mind kept repeating it to me as if I needed a reminder. Everything about this news hurt more than one might expect because today had so much potential. How could it be that on the day I find out my book will be published, I also find out I will only be alive for maybe a month more after it’s release? It didn’t feel real. It felt completely real. Finally I cried.


*Note – My book is not being published, nor do I have cancer. It was just a dream.*

Outside of writing this week, I finally got to play Rock Band and Guitar Hero after a years wait for our xbox to be fixed. I was all pumped up to play, plugged in my guitar – handed Heath the wireless one and NEITHER of them worked. One of them has never even been used, how can it not work?! I was so irritated. So I played with the remote like the old days, but it was no where near as fun.

I’m looking forward to the weekend for no particular reason. The weather is supposed to be nice and there is a carnival at the fair grounds – been a while since I’ve been to one of those, so maybe… I’ll probably stay in and write though, because that’s what I usually do being a creature of habit and all.

Peace – Sarah



The Most Random? Well, probably not the most.

NOTE: I’m not sure how much this blog post will flow as I started writing it at work in between final locations (where I can’t get on livejournal) and finished with my first drink in hand.

This week I got some of my mojo back writing wise, which completely excites me because I’ve missed my story so much. But rather than taking an axe to the beginning like I need to my mind wanted to work on rewriting that first kiss scene (since the old one is null & void now due to major plot line shifts) which doesn’t happen for a while from the start of the book. Problem with that is, well… see yesterday’s post and you’ll understand. So I’ve written four different versions of the scene this week and tonight (with the aide of the Captain) I plan to merge two of them together as the final version and hopefully – finally – I’ll be satisfied with it. I can’t help it that I prefer my characters together and that’s what keeps drawing me to write everything from that first kiss on instead of focusing on fixing all of the build up to that moment. The build up is necessary – it shapes them and makes their connection that much more important, but it’s no where near as fun to write in the minds of miserable confused people. It kind of drains me because I don’t really want to remember how to be miserable, ya know?

In relation to writing I have to gripe just a little about something. Creatively – I work in words and music, not art. That’s not completely true, I can draw houses, floor plans, and trees exceptionally well, but everything else is a not a skill I obtain. This isn’t what truly bothers me though – I’ve accepted this inability to draw or paint even though I’d like to be able to. What bothers me is that a major part of my story resolves around this symbol/crest/emblem (I know that doesn’t really exist, but…) and I can see exactly what it looks like in my mind, but I can’t seem to find anyone reliable enough to actually do the artwork for me. I’ve had three very artistic relatives agree to do it, tell me they actually worked on it, and then ignore my questions as to when I can see it. It’s frustrating because A) they’re my family – I mean come on, don’t you care at all? –AND- B) I really want to see it outside of my head and every time I’ve attempted to bring it to paper I’ve failed miserably. I NEED someone to do it, to bring it to life. Yet there is no one to do it. Stumped.

Anyway I fully plan on spending the majority of my weekend knocking out some much overdue writing and catching up on sleep (because that’s just something I don’t do well during the week). Heath finally fixed the Xbox 360 and I’m ecstatic to, after a year of waiting, finally be able to play Rock Band again. I’m really good, or at least I was. I’m sure it will be like riding a bike and regardless of how unpracticed I am I’ll still kick Heath’s ass so it will still be fun.

One last final thought: Today my 58 year old boss found out his cancer is officially in remission which elates not only him, but me too. Watching him fade away everyday at work for months killed me – I missed the man he used to be. But he’s back in full effect now (well not completely – he’s only gained 20lbs of the 70 he lost back, still can’t taste much and his hair just finally fuzzed over the top of his head) and today he did one of my favorite things.

A cubical wall separates our desks so I can never see his face unless I get up and look around the wall, but we are the only two in our room so we can hear everything the other is doing or saying. We try to take turns with our music choices and typically I refrain from playing music I know he absolutely doesn’t like (like rap/hip hop), but sometimes I just have to listen to something off the wall because of my mood. I love it when I hear him singing or humming along to songs I know he truly hates or would never listen to if I didn’t subject him to it. For example today I was playing a mix of a little bit of everything and I heard him singing along to several Citizen Cope songs and humming along to Kid Cudi and Miley Cyrus. It brings the biggest smile to my face.

Two summers ago I went through this huge Disney Pop phase; it was all I listened to for a month. And he sang along to so many of them it cracked me up because I knew if he knew they were Disney kids he’d be in denial. Then more recently I was listening to Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA and he said, “If I didn’t know any better I’d guess that was Miley Cyrus” and I said, “Good guess, but you do know better. You’ve sang along to a few of her songs before.” His mouth fell open shocked, “Nah Ah.”

When I went through an all Citizen Cope and all Sleepy Sun phase he sang along to almost every song. He even sent me the lyrics to Bullet & a Target because he likes the intro – lol. I made him copies of said music and when I gave it to him I said, “Here, you like these groups. Believe me – you know all the words.” He looked skeptical, but when he played them his don’t-want-to-believe-it face faded and he nodded, “Oh yeah, I do like these.”

I don’t know why, but I love it. He’s “hipper” than he thinks for his age 🙂

Peace – Sarah

P.S. Music is meant to be played as loud as possible while driving. Just saying.