People flock to me, like blood sucking mosquitoes needing their fix, feigning for my words of advice, encouragement, and prayers.
WHY? What’s so special about what I have to say or how I say it? What makes it so much different than hearing it from someone who is actually your friend, when I am not – I am merely an acquaintance, if even that in some cases?
It baffles me to no end. I’m so very weird and unusual and always have been – a birth defect, I suppose. And being so strangely me has pushed people away from creating real friendships with me almost my entire life – people don’t love freaks, I get it.
So then why do they come to me? Why do people who never even ask how my life is going continually come to me to coax them into a better place? What makes my words so valuable, but not me as an actual friend? Aren’t those things one in the same? My mind, my heart = me, right?
Several people from my high school said to me many years after graduating, “I always wanted to walk around inside your head, see things how you saw them – feel them like you felt them,” or something to that nature… If that statement is true than why weren’t we actually friends? And how can it be that people admired my mind so much, but never really knew me to begin with because I was too different from the norm?
None of it makes sense to me. And as much as I do thoroughly enjoy helping people, I’m getting that icky feeling of abuse again. People, who could give two shits about me, but take advantage of the heart I wear on my sleeve when they’re too broken to pick up their own pieces.
I try not to let this negative way of thinking entertain my thoughts because above all of it, good deeds are done for God and regardless of whether I understand it or not I’ve always felt like His purpose for me was to be heard.
It can be frustrating though, some people literally feed off of me everyday. They start my morning off with their sorrows and once I’ve given them the uplifting they need they bail. What, do I not qualify for conversations outside of your personal problems? Those are for “real” friends? It just seems screwy; the “real” friends are the ones who should be helping these people, not me – not the “nobody”.
Peace – Sarah